Humor/Satire

A Utilitarian Perspective on NBA Teams Tanking

As I and other studious Juniors study the complex topic of ethics in our Sacraments Morality and Justice course (thank you Mr. Ellis), we...

Brave ICE Agents Heroically Sink Ship Carrying “Illegal Alien” Titanic Survivors

In an incredible operation that saw ICE agents successfully harness time travel to defend the nation from illegal aliens, the British ocean liner "Carpathia",...

The Horrors of the Fantasy Football Punishment

With the ending of the fantasy football season, I think this is the perfect time to take a moment and reflect on the end...

The Origin of 67

Over the past decade, the rise and fall of numerical jokes has become a defining feature of meme culture. From the original comedic icons...

Do’s and Don’ts: A Guide to Thanksgiving Break

With Thanksgiving break around the corner, I wanted to provide a list of Dos and Don’ts for you and your family to follow to...

The Case to Criminalize Christmas Music in November

In my many years of life (a whole eighteen years), I’ve noticed a growing evil pervading society. Each year this evil creeps in through...

Who would win in a fight, 100 guys or a gorilla?

This has been one of the most thought-provoking questions plaguing our society recently- which would win, humans' desire for glory or, rather, mother nature?...

How to Lose a Debate, Featuring Donald J. Trump

It's come to my attention that many readers of The Roundup have a deep desire: to lose a debate in as avoidably a fashion...

Must read

Jesuit Baseball Begins Season With Weatherford Invitational

After a brief period of scrimmages to start the...

The Supreme Court Rebukes Donald Trump’s Tariffs

And so, we come to a final adjudication: Donald...

Six More Athletes Join a Class of 14 College Signees

On Thursday, February 5, Jesuit Athletics participated in its...

2026 Texas Democratic Senate Primary Preview

The 2026 Midterm Elections are shaping up to be...