Dr. Michael Degen (Michaelem Degeletianus) remains a legend amongst the Jesuit Dallas academic ecosystem. Located in the vibrant environment of the English Commons, Dr. Degen has established his role as a veteran educator, claiming numerous awards on his march to literary greatness, as well as remaining a gatekeeper on many an English student’s high school career.
Characteristics
Dr. Degen – owing to his experience engaging with a wide variety of students, faculty, and parents – possesses a calm, almost stoic demeanor. He rarely is frazzled or threatened, and without fear establishes his status as apex predator in the English commons.
His knowledge of English grammar and rhetorical analysis unmatched, his expertise in mauling his students’ synthesis essays unrivaled, Dr. Degen remains purely analytical and emotionless in his grading techniques. There is no deceiving or distracting this archon of the A hallway.
The most striking physical characteristic of Dr. Degen however are his A) bowties and B) doctor’s outfit. The former confirms his confidence in spirit, and the latter is employed extensively as he performs trauma surgery on the mangled remains of the rhetorical question essays submitted by frazzled seniors.
Ecology
The vibrant hallways of the English commons have an ancient history. While some claim that the dwarves of old constructed these grandiose halls, others claim the Nephilim – or even the dark magic from the kitchens of Chick-Fil-A were responsible.
However, the setting’s origin matters not – only its current occupants. Dr. Degen operates in what scientists call a “symbiotic” relationship with the wing’s other occupants – a seamless ecosystem that possesses complete balance. It is no wonder that flocks of wild students congregate at the great feeding grounds of the English commons, where Dr. Degen has established his habitat in the central crossroads of the hallway.
The mighty river Styx flows throughout the corridors, while numerous exotic plants fed with the tears of his senior students abundant throughout his office. While some would assume Dr. Degen (like the current police state) watches every foreign creature that enters his citadel, he instead resides out of view, working tirelessly on his computer. Dr. Degen’s transcendent intellect sees, understands, and commands all, and thus his corporeal form may remain secluded, to save energy for his future classroom engagements.
Interestingly, Dr. Degen remains standing at his desk at every hour of day, in sharp contrast to most teachers and students. While one may think that this is merely an imitation of the Swiss Guards, this is in fact a stratagem to more easily enable a fight-or-flight response, as such a veteran as himself understands – with passive voice always lurking around the corner.
Current Threats
Dr. Degen has remained fortunate that he is not currently threatened with extinction. Even throughout the years, he has maintained a persistent and unmatched power projection across the school and shows no signs of slowing down.
Stay tuned to the Jesuit Dallas Roundup Student Newspaper for more Animal of the Week and Satirical coverage!
