After several failures of literary and journalistic merit arising from associate editors and freshmen staff writers, his most holy, exultant, blessed, and glorious Dr. Degen has instituted a new system of punishment for disobedient reporters.
With the ascent of Logan Thompson, Editor in Chief, Kevin Babu, Managing Editor, Griffin Taber, Chief Associate Editor, as well as all senior editors present, Dr. Degen will institute the new penalizing measure this week. All freshmen staff writers who fail to meet their quota of articles, as well as associate editors who fail to cover all beats in the appropriate time, will thereby be subject to harsh punishment in the form of the pillory.
As the Puritans of old sentenced Quakers, criminals, and reformers to damnation, so too will The Roundup scourge any whiff of dissent through its new method of punishment. In preparation for the introduction of the new pillory system, I interviewed several senior Roundup leaders to ask them their thoughts.
Dr. Degen started off strong with the cordial remark “No comment.”
“I believe that this form of punishment will not only enforce our regulations on the article beats but also enhance work productivity and efficiency. This method must be instituted immediately so that the Roundup will have a steady foundation built on fear and intimidation.” – Anthony Nguyen, Senior News Editor.
“Until they become conscious, they cannot rebel, and until they rebel, they cannot become conscious.”
“Until they become conscious, they cannot rebel, and until after they have been placed in the pillory, they cannot become conscious. The pillory will thus assist us in suppressing any measure of dissidence,” repeated Mr. Nguyen, quoting 1984.Â
“I definitely support the measure,” stated Austin Keith, Senior Media Editor, “It will definitely help keep the underclassmen down.”
Mr. Griffin Taber, Chief Associate Editor, commented that “We have a lingering issue with the associates not getting their beats done. I support the measure.”
It’s important that when creating these decisions, a form of consensus-based decision-making is utilized. Although Roundup’s leadership agreed unanimously, some of the lower-level writers also were asked for their opinion.
“I am pretty terrified,” commented Nick Morris, Staff Writer, and Chief Hamburger Correspondent.
Therefore, it seems that Roundup’s new measure of punishment will be an effective deterrent in assuring staff writers and associate editors keep up with their assigned beats. Make sure to walk by Dr. Degen’s room (B107) to observe any unlucky scallywags who have been imprisoned.
