Nick Morris '23

Like the ominous clouds lingering on the distant horizon, evil's echos tremble in every fold of fabric in the days of our lives. Every photon of hope photosynthesizes the last plant needed to sustain life. Yet humor blows the clouds before the sun, mocking man. Damn the thoughtless laugh, dancing on the graves of Death's sad victims, singing songs...

One dark and stormy night, Mr. Goll noticed a leak in the roof, damaging a painting. In an act of bravery and honor, he saved the painting, cementing himself not as the hero Jesuit deserved but as the one they needed. He brought the salvaged painting to his office, but after realizing it wasn't worth much on eBay, he...

Every year in November (except when Covid ruins everything), wrestling season begins its five-month season of excitement, pain, and victory. This year, the Jesuit Wrestling Team has one of the largest teams in years, with a record number of seniors. A varsity wrestler will fill nearly every single one of the fourteen weight classes - a necessity for the...

Hell has happily tortured damned souls for the last several thousand years below the Earth's surface. But Director of Operations, Satan, has found a new campus that increases misery in ways the demons had never dreamed of.  "As excited as I am to move to California, I have mixed emotions," Satan said in a recent interview, "I'm afraid because Gavin...

On April 15th, 1955, the world became a better place. For 67 years, McDonald's has been producing some pretty great food, but it gets a bad rap despite that. Here is the case for McDonald's. What people (falsely) say Fake Food Let's start with the elephant in the room, or fake plastic elephant, to be more specific. For decades people have been...

Class tensions have always been at the forefront of controversy in American politics throughout American history. It has been a centuries-long battle between rich and poor. Yet, people always forget how hard the rich have it. It's time to change that by forgiving student loan debt! Medical School and Law School are expensive! Those student debts are the only things...

As gas prices skyrocket, the mere dollar bill won’t cut it. So here's a "Modest Proposal" for the oil companies.  Chevron, who recently partnered with Apple and Amazon, is always in need of cheap child labor; build a clever cost-effective program so that you can sell your kids for gas. And it’s a great deal too, for one child...

As the war between Russia and Ukraine grows more violent every day, both Putin and Zelenskyy fear for their lives. And according to recent evidence, the Russians plan to neutralize possibilities of American interference. While we don't know much about the tech, the CIA has deciphered that the S.T.A.I.R.S. (systematic tripping and intentional retribution structure) functions by deactivating Biden's calves...