In an incredible operation that saw ICE agents successfully harness time travel to defend the nation from illegal aliens, the British ocean liner “Carpathia”, which was transporting over seven-hundred illegal undocumented aliens to the United States was bravely sunk while passing the Nantucket lightship with all hands lost.
According to DHS secretary Kristi Noem, the Carpathia was carrying “illegal criminal aliens who hate America” who had been taken off the foreign ship “Titanic” after it was attempting to smuggle over 1,300 aliens into the US. In response to some claiming that the passengers of the Carpathia were “survivors of a maritime disaster” and that ICE had acted in cold blood, DHS spokesperson Tricia McLaughin responded by stating “ICE agents took appropriate action against economically motivated migrants trying to violate our borders who claim they conveniently lost their passports in a so-called shipwreck.”
Reports have arisen that the US Navy protected cruiser USS “Chester” attempted to render aid to the swimming passengers in the water, resulting in ICE agents firing upon the vessel with their own boat. Although protesters claim that ICE in the process of both firing at the Chester and sinking the Carpathia had harmed American citizens and servicemen, spokesperson McLaughin has assured us this was nothing more than ICE taking action against “domestic terrorists who were attempting to obstruct federal operations.” So horrific was the sight of women and children being given blankets and hot chocolate that the ICE agents, fearing for their lives, unleashed a volley of machine gun fire at passengers attempting to board the Chester.
McLaughin then went on to notify readers that any attempt to “comfort, console, feed, clothe, nurture, or show humanity to illegal aliens” shall constitute as domestic terrorism.
In other news, ICE is most proud to announce its next time travel operation shall be preventing a French copper statue of a “domestic terrorist commemorating the importing of unskilled economically incentivized migrants who do not speak English” from being built in New York City.
