Hell has happily tortured damned souls for the last several thousand years below the Earth’s surface. But Director of Operations, Satan, has found a new campus that increases misery in ways the demons had never dreamed of.
“As excited as I am to move to California, I have mixed emotions,” Satan said in a recent interview, “I’m afraid because Gavin Newsom is already doing a better job torturing people, he might replace me.” However, Satan kindly clarified he has no resentment towards Newsom; in fact, he said he was a huge fan.
On Hell’s website, a new press release details all of the upgrades following the move:
- You are not allowed to flush toilets for prolonged torture.
- You are forced to purchase products such as electric cars that you are not allowed to use.
- Unextinguishable fires to fight
- Ban on meat
- You must change genders.
- You must start taking yoga.
- Mandatory protests and riots
- You are now lactose intolerant.
However, Satan did complain that he may have to remove the flaming pits of pain because he could no longer afford the fuel due to high gas prices. However, he sees this as an excellent opportunity to go green.