In my many years of life (a whole eighteen years), I’ve noticed a growing evil pervading society. Each year this evil creeps in through the cracks, solidifying itself in American culture to the point where – dare I say it – it’s becoming a normality in this sad world we live in. That evil is Christmas music in the month of November.
Background
On the very first day of November, I checked my phone and was horrified and appalled to see that not just one, not even two, but a total of four of my so called “friends” posted identical stories on Instagram of Mariah Carey breaking through a block of ice and screaming, (I cannot with a good conscience call that horrific shrill singing) “I-i-i-i-i-t’s Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiimeeeeee,” and starting her infamous sound-bite “All I Want For Christmas Is You”. I almost had a heart attack right there and then. Surely this evil, November Christmas music, cannot be happening on the very first day of the month. Yes, I know we live in a fallen world, a world in which sin is present. But we live in America, not Gotham City. We have to deal with crimes against humanity like this and lock offenders up like my former “friends”. But 12 hours passed, I checked again, and the stories were still up, 15 hours, 18 hours, 23 hours later- and I’m sad to say that the stories are still there. Surely the police were only letting these stories stay up so they could use it as evidence in the criminal trial, I thought. But, over the next few days, I stalked the Dallas County jail records, criminal records, even the FBI Watchlist, and these felons were nowhere to be found.
Confused, I asked my trusty friend Google and found, much to my horror, that there is no law that criminalizes Christmas music in November. But, you might say, doesn’t the Geneva Convention outlaw crimes against humanity? Wouldn’t that apply in a situation like this? Well, my dear reader, I’m sorry to ruin your perception of the world, but, in fact, while you might think that November Christmas music would qualify as a crime against humanity, the US Department of Justice disagrees, and claims that people have something called “freedom of speech”. There’s no justice in this fallen world.
My Proposal
I propose that we, as citizens of the greatest nation in the world, in order to form a more perfect union and to prevent evil from infiltrating the depths of society, make a new constitutional amendment to criminalize November Christmas music. But why, you might ask? So many reasons come to mind, but here’s my best three.
First Reason
For one, it is scientifically proven that prolonged Christmas music exposure drives man insane. I’m fine hearing “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” once or twice a year at grocery stores or malls: it’s got a nice beat, meter, and the same mindless lyrics as all modern day pop hits. I’m also fine hearing the song a third time. It’s bearable and I can concentrate on my task at hand and tune out the annoying pattern. But when I hear it for the 67th time in one year I’m about ready to lose my mind. That song is like a mind virus. It follows me around everywhere I go in public, infiltrating my brain through my ears and nesting there. At the end of the Christmas season, I’ll close my eyes to go to bed, and the creepy face of Brenda Lee, the singer of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”, stares back at me, repeating those soulless vocals in my head. It’s not just me that this sorry excuse for music drives crazy. In fact, my sources at the FBI informed me that they actually use this same technique for interrogating their most evil terrorists: think Osama Bin Ladin-level threats. They tie them down to a chair, blindfold them, and put headphones on their ears playing Christmas music on repeat. The terrorists crack every time. By banning Christmas music in November, we will all be at least a little bit protected from the mind-virus that is Christmas music.
Second Reason
November Christmas music also dilutes the holiday as a whole. Christmas music the week before Christmas is great. It gets me in the festive mood, and makes me excited for the day to come. However, by celebrating Christmas for a solid 2 months straight it creates “holiday fatigue”. By the time Christmas rolls around I’m already sick and tired of hearing Christmas music. Think of Halloween. There’s like 4 “Halloween songs” that everyone plays the week leading up to the holiday. It’s lovely, and really gets me in the festive mood. But if I heard “Thriller” non-stop everyday from late August to the end of October? I’d lose it. By the time Halloween would roll around there’d be zero chance I’d want to celebrate. Also, November Christmas music blanches our other holidays and celebrations, overpowering our unique holiday traditions. In playing November Christmas music, that means we’re not commemorating so many true November American holidays. Radio stations aren’t playing songs to commemorate true holidays, instead they solely play Christmas music. I didn’t hear a single radio station play “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” by Gordon Lightfoot, a glorious song commemorating November 10th, a day that lives in real patriots’ hearts as the anniversary of the sad sinking of the SS Edmund Fitzgerald in 1975.
November’s also National Peanut Butter Lover’s Month (it’s a real thing I promise). Where are the songs celebrating that? They’re all drowned out by this awful November Christmas music.
Third Reason
Finally, and most importantly, November Christmas music erodes trust in our very democracy. Unfortunately, it is not like this is a new phenomenon. The US government, our supposed “representatives” in democracy, has stood by and allowed grocery stores, clothing boutiques, shopping malls, and private citizens to play Christmas music in November for, in my personal experience, at least the past 16 years (I sadly don’t remember Novembers before I was 2 years old), but quite possibly longer than that. How have they sat by for that long and not passed a law to end this? Surely this would have wide bipartisan support. I mean, what does Congress do all day anyways? Do they just sit down and argue about stupid stuff like national debt, tariffs, or “the economy”? Why don’t they ever discuss the important issues like November Christmas music?
The Constitutional Amendment
The United States should pass a constitutional amendment to ban Christmas music from playing in November. Yes, I know it would be hard. We would need the state legislature of 38 states and two thirds of the house and the senate for it to be put into law. Yes, I know the last constitutional amendment approved was over 30 years ago. But this is important to me, but also to all real Americans. In passing a constitutional amendment no future corrupted generation can overturn this without a tremendous amount of support. No pesky department of justice can say that this “violates freedom of speech”. This will be the law of the land for eternity. While the world won’t be perfect, if we can get this amendment passed, it will be pretty darn close.
How will we enforce this?
The first thing we have to do is set off an EMP pulse to disable all computers across North America. I know it’s a lot, but trust me, it’s necessary to ensure that all local Christmas music files are wiped out completely. Then, about 6 months later once we have reconnected to the internet, the US should partner with Spotify, Apple Music, and other streaming services to ban November Christmas music. To prevent piracy from other sites, the government should set up a state-wide firewall to block any websites that have the word “Christmas” anywhere on the site to be safe. I heard North Korea knows a thing or two about firewalls. Maybe we can ask them for help building ours. Additionally, we will send police into every house in America to confiscate any and all hard copies of Christmas Songs: CD’s, Cassette Tapes, even your gramma’s vinyl records, just to make sure no Christmas music gets played before December. Better safe than sorry I always say.
What happens if someone is caught listening to Christmas music or singing Christmas music before December?
That one’s easy. I would say to tie the violator onto the world’s biggest red and green firework and launch them up into the air and watch them explode into thousands of pieces. It’s poetic. The Christmas felons would die doing what they love: spreading Christmas spirit. But unfortunately, I think the death penalty might just be a tad bit extreme for this crime. Instead, we should take inspiration from our founding fathers. For prominent Loyalists and British tax officials, the Founding Fathers would force them to strip off their clothes, cover themselves in hot tar, roll in feathers, and be paraded around town for everyone to laugh at. We should do something similar. If someone is caught listening to Christmas music, singing, or even mumbling any lyrics in your sleep, they will be found guilty in a court of law. Then, they will be tied up, and dipped into a boiling hot pool of either red or green candy cane juice that will permanently dye their skin either red or green and be marched around town for all to mock and laugh at. Even worse, while this special candy cane solution has a chemical reactant that can undo the dye, only the government has possession. You can only request the reactant a minimum of 365 days after the crime. That means for the next year of the criminal’s life, they will look like a radioactive Oompa Loompa. the violator’s new green and red skin color will be a scarlet letter, a warning to other criminals thinking about doing the same.
Conclusion
November Christmas-lovers, your time has come. The American people will take no more of your tyranny, no more of two months of gas station Christmas songs, and especially no more memes of Mariah Carey popping out like the boogeyman from frozen ice blocks.
Sincerely,
The Grinch