As a precursor to Nicholas Christon ’24 and I’s all-encompassing Fast Food Tier List (work in progress) I sought the origin of easily the best fast food restaurant we have eaten at so far. Taco Bell. Its constant, brilliant taste presented an origin that must lie somewhere beyond human existence, and I would stop at nothing to uncover its supernatural secrets.
Chalupter I. Our Deities’ Angelic Ambrosia
Since the dawn of time, humanity has craved purpose. Specifically, humanity has craved a meaning that nothing but the divine could offer them. Nearly every culture on Earth explained this through beings beyond human comprehension. We sought a way to explain our world’s happenings and found this answer in gods.
Whether Middle Eastern or American, Asian or European, gods have been ever-present in our culture. They created, shaped, fought, lived, and died; they supported, ruined, manipulated, and liberated our world in countless ways. God, Vishnu, Zeus, Allah, Jupiter, Odin, Ra, and Huitzilopochtli. These are all symbols of humans forming dominating forces across our world, and they are monuments to our tendency to find our great purpose; prognostications of what is to come and what will never be, and whether you think some inhabit this mortal plane, or none at all…..they all ate.
Just WHAT did they eat you may ask, what could reside on an even stratum with these titans of inhuman prowess? What could unite all of these diverse and distinct societies? Ambrosia? No. Nectar? No.
TACO.
BELL.
The greatest of all comestible options and the one most suitable for a God. Yet such a magnanimous endowment has remained wholly undocumented and unappreciated in the critical human eye (The Roundup), and yet it persists as a restaurant beyond mortal comprehension. Why? I could not say. Some ignore it due to prevarications of digestion issues. Others say low quality. I say they are weak, and that only true prophets are fit to indulge in such glorious cuisine. Clearly, Taco Bell possesses divine origins and stands as a testament to just how appetizing supernaturally elevated meals can be, and if you can’t handle it, maybe a D-Tier restaurant like KFC can conform to your disgraceful palate.
To prove this, I have successfully compiled centuries of archeological and personal data to form the ultimate rationale for Taco Bell’s supremacy both in this terrestrial realm and in Olympus, and it is clear that no fast food restaurant could ever stand against this celestial titan of Mexican-inspired eminence.
Chalupter II. The Bell’s Heavenly History
“Let there be Live Mas” – genesis 25 12:12
In the year of our lord, 1961, a restaurant was opened, but not just any feeble establishment. No, this was a titan to formulate an era of peace and prosperity amidst growing global tensions. Clearly, our heavenly creators desired us to find our inner significance in something other than growing geopolitical hostility.
The Berlin Wall’s establishment the same year was a clear sign to our creators that we needed something other than mutually assured destruction to diffuse our current conflicts. We needed the Bell, and it was delivered with trumpets blaring, heralding the arrival of a new source of godly ambrosia. A place which millions of people have indulged in across the globe.
Through this undeniably divine beginning, Taco Bell was offered unto a world to be loved and embraced, only seeking the purification of our meek diets and the riddance of our innate human capacity to hate. Instead of this, we would be forged into creatures of love and balance, only possibly through The Bell’s intervention.
 “Christ Died for taco Bell.” – Panangelo
Chalupter III. Intimate Bell Participation
To prove to myself the divine qualities of Taco Bell, I gazed upon the sacred menu, and all I saw was divine intervention, and I knew that I was the one mandated to consume its glory. To reflect upon this renowned menu, I shall name the top 5 items that are sure to make even the weakest of men into demigods beyond mortal cognizance, though nearly any item at Taco Bell will make man weep in delight.
5. Mexican PizzaÂ
A classic, but also an acquired taste. Nonetheless, this $5.19 item, comprised of beans and ground beef between two large tortillas covered in cheese, tomatoes, and Taco Bell sauce, is prone to having an incredible taste. It is quite divisive as if you love this, you can never stop eating it, and if you can’t handle its magnificence, then you will probably prefer items higher on the list. Price is also respectable for such a potentially potent source of ambrosia. Absolutely worth consuming.
4. Beefy Melt Burrito
An underrated artifact amongst the gods. A sleeper pick as they say. For me? The perfect burrito. While other specialty burritos can certainly contain more bombastic flavors, the Beefy Melt is the quintessential burrito, with ground beef, cheese, and rice complemented perfectly with sour cream and the delectable crunch of tortilla strips. It is quite the sight to see and quite the burrito to taste. And for only 2 bucks?!? This is an absolute steal, and you would be forsaking your God-given duties by passing up on such cheap ambrosia.
3. Chicken Quesadilla
A childhood original, and an undisputable victor of my taste buds. I recently returned to its eminence from a long abstention, as I graduated to the Doritos Locos Tacos and I left the soft tortilla for a hard tortilla. Let me tell you, I needed this pilgrimage back to this holy land. Tortilla, cheese, chicken, and creamy jalapeno sauce. Simple, yet dangerously effective at making my stomach swell in anticipation of its $4.99 glory. A reasonable price, for an unreasonably tasty dish. Certain to grant that godly ecstasy we all desire.
2. Nacho Fries
An infrequent but dangerously hard-hitting menace of fried excellence. Holy guacamole, these fries are addictive, most likely due to the copious amounts of cocaine that must be in them, there’s no other explanation for this lavish dish to be so delectable. Crispy fries with Taco Bell seasoning and nacho cheese to dip in, these limited-time fried behemoths of the industry are here to destabilize the economy at the dirt-cheap price of $2.19. Crispy, flavorful, and creamy all in one. Easily the best French fry I or likely anyone will taste or hope to taste.
Honorable Mention: Combos
The greatest possible path toward divine salvation on a budget. You must be thinking that a restaurant of such high integrity and excellence would be the most expensive food imaginable. You are wrong. Taco Bell not only stands as the final pillar of human salvation but also the final gallant source of economical immortal food possible. You can procure a Chalupa, Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco, Beefy 5-Layer Burrito, Cinnamon Twist bag, and a medium drink for FIVE DOLLARS, a felony offense to pass on. With this and even more combos to find at Taco Bell, even cheapskates can procure their source of heavenly cuisine.
1. Cheesy Gordita Crunch
Heaven in a flatbread and taco shell. This taco is beyond comprehension. We are not fit to consume such opulent vittles. We are not worthy of such a gracious gift from our God above. We are not apt to consume such pure godly essence in the form of melty cheese betwixt flatbread and hard shell and full of ground beef, spicy ranch, lettuce, and shredded cheese. We. Are. Not. Prepared. I never am when I take the first bite of this $4.69 leviathan of sapidity. Purchase NOW. And should you wish to elevate perfection to perfection, ask for the Doritos Locos Taco version; you will disintegrate in bliss.
“Live Mas or Live Min, there is no ‘Live Meh.'” – Albellt Einstaco Probably
Chalupar IV. Accomplished Bell Scholar Testimony
As soon as I began the formulation of this Bell testimonial, I knew I’d have to go to the expert, the one I knew as Panangelo. You’ve already seen some of his famous quotes throughout these pages, and you can tell he is based entirely on accountability and the truth. However, to get a more in-depth analysis I had to ask him some queries for secondary authentication of my theories, to which he happily obliged.
Q: What made you love Taco Bell?
A: “The moment the glorious substance gracefully touched my palette, I immediately knew this was a food fit for kings, no, gods.”
Q: How often do you go to Taco Bell?
A: “I will not cease consumption until I balloon to 700 pounds.”
Q: Is Taco Bell the best fast-food restaurant ever?
A: “Next. No more stupid questions please.”
Q: What do you believe is the mystical origin of Taco Bell?
A: “As a divine conceptualist, I firmly believe that Taco Bell has existed within the divine mind for all eternity. It existed as an unactualized logoi, remaining within the divine mind throughout all of human history until it was graciously instantiated by our benevolent creator on March 21, 1962, to reorient man’s fallen will back to the one, true God.”
There you have it. Proof from an undeniable expert of Taco Bell lore. Taco Bell truly is divine.
 “taco Bell is God’s Gift to Mankind”  -Panangelo
Chalupa V. Consummatory Consumption of the Bell
As my research has undeniably determined, Taco Bell is the most triumphant establishment ever to exist. I love it, ancient peoples love it, Panangelo loves it, and even the gods love it. Taco Bell is life. Taco Bell is meaning. Taco Bell is reality. Those who fail to walk the way of the Crunchwrap are forsaken and lost to inadequacy and regret. NOTHING can beat The Bell. I now see the way, the truth, and the Nachos Bellgrande, nothing comes to the Quesaritos except through me…
Farewell mortals, I have consumed so many Cheesy Gordita Crunches I now ascend to a plane beyond discernment and beyond the touches of other feeble “contenders” to this sacred ambrosia.
I have become Bell, destroyer of Buenos.
