With my favorite team out of the playoffs and a long offseason ahead, us Cancun fans have to find a way to stay entertained while we watch other teams do what we failed to do. And, fingers crossed, if the games are good, we’ll be able to. But, just in case they aren’t, here’s a hypothetical scenario as to what happens if each team wins the Super Bowl to guarantee.
If the Seattle Seahawks Win It All
The Sam Darnold disrespect ends altogether. Darnold cements himself as just the second QB to win 14 games in a row, a feat only shared by him and Tom Brady. Furthermore, just by having clinched a Super Bowl berth, the Jaxon Smith-Njigba OPOY argument is pretty much solidified. Finally, head coach Mike Macdonald secures himself a vacation from the NFL coaching hot seat for at least three years. Finally, the Hawks remain primed to contend in the coming years.
If The Chicago Bears Win It All
Caleb Williams cements himself as the greatest Chicago quarterback in NFL history. Ben Johnson is regarded as one of the best coaches in the league, and Chicago becomes the first team to go from a 5-win team to a Super Bowl champion. Chicago rewrites its history of being a “poverty” franchise and most likely becomes a top landing spot for free agents. With Caleb Williams still on a rookie deal, a Super Bowl win cements the Bears as dynasty contenders.
If The Philadelphia Eagles Win It All
The entire country sheds a tear because no city in the country of the USA deserves a title win less than Philadelphia. The most insufferable football fans in the NFL receive more ammo to use against us Cowboys fans. Furthermore, the streets of Philly most likely won’t recover from what the fans do to them until April. Regardless, Philadelphia gets rid of the narrative of their offense being dysfunctional, and head coach Nick Sirianni’s ego, you guessed it, becomes somehow even more unbearable than before.
If The Carolina Panthers Win It All
The rest of the teams in the NFL playoff bracket need to take a good long look in the mirror and figure out what exactly happened, because if 8-9 Carolina wins 3 straight away games and a neutral site game in a row, then every other team in the playoffs needs to be sent to the XFL as punishment. Because playing in the NFC South is basically playing in the XFL at this point, so the NFL has to put the other teams in Carolina’s situation. All jokes aside, if Dave Canales can take this team to a Super Bowl victory, he deserves to be the highest-paid coach in the league.
If The Los Angeles Rams Win It All
Matthew Stafford wins the MVP and retires a two-time champion, one-time MVP when his career trajectory before LA seemed to be headed towards 0 rings and 0 MVPs. Truly a remarkable accolades-based comeback from Stafford if this happens. Furthermore, Davante Adams receives a super bowl ring, and maybe Aaron Donald contemplates un-retirement. If the Rams win it all, Sean McVay wins his second ring, and the Rams force the Chargers out of their stadium to make sure they know who Los Angeles’ team is.
If The San Francisco 49ers Win It All
Niners fans will finally get off Kyle Shanahan’s back when it comes to winning the big game. He’s brought them to plenty of Super Bowls, but him finally getting over the hump and winning it all would push the fans all the way back. Furthermore, Brock Purdy moves from “system QB” to “the best system QB of all time” with a win. Finally, the 49ers refuse to give Brandon Aiyuk a Super Bowl ring, and they release him the first day of free agency out of pure pettiness, giving an honorary ring to Deebo Samuel instead.
If The Green Bay Packers Win It All
Matt LeFleur gets off the hot seat, and Aaron Rodgers makes up a fake story of how the Packers forced him off the team when in reality it was completely his decision to go to the Jets. Micah Parsons wins a Super Bowl ring before the Cowboys do, and immediately goes to Twitter and his podcast to talk about a win he had nothing to do with. Finally, Jordan Love justifies his high-value contract as he solidifies himself as an elite quarterback that deserves plenty of money in Green Bay for a long time.
If The Denver Broncos Win It All
The people criticizing them for only winning close games have to wait until next season to strike again, if the Broncos win. Sean Payton solidifies himself as a top coach in all-time rankings, and Bo Nix becomes the stand out best QB from the 2024 NFL Draft Class. The Broncos defense, headlined by Pat Surtain II, receive huge paydays in the offseason, and the city of Denver hosts the highest possible celebration parade in the country. People probably blame the Super Bowl run on the home field advantage of being 5280 feet above sea level, but the Broncos are nevertheless NFL champions.
If The New England Patriots Win It All
The Patriots become reminiscent of the Bill Belichick and Tom Brady Patriots, only this time, headlined by the most likable quarterback in the league, Drake Maye. Drake Maye’s wife, Ann-Michael Maye receives her own baking show weekly on ESPN, and DrakeMayeLover becomes the most followed account on Instagram. The people who blamed their success on an easy schedule, similar to the Broncos situation, are forced to relieve themselves from the situation and are not allowed to say anything about the Super Bowl win. And most likely, Jayson Tatum has some sports celebratory cliché to add to his gauntlet of cringy sayings.
If The Jacksonville Jaguars Win It All
What universe are we in?
If The Pittsburgh Steelers Win It All
Rodgers gets so high during the celebration parade that he is forced to issue an apology via Instagram. Mike Tomlin secures a solid three years of 9-8 before the hot seat conversations start again. The state of Pennsylvania, to Cowboys fans delight, becomes owned by the Steelers and the Eagles are forced to wait until next year to make any comments. Rodgers retires a 2-time champion and solidifies his stance as a top-3 QB in league history. He then appears on the Pat McAfee show to explain how his newest “darkness retreat,” rather than his fading athleticism, led him to choose retirement.
If The Houston Texans Win It All
CJ Stroud finally gives inspiration to combat the narrative surrounding Ohio State quarterbacks. He, paired with an elite defense, most likely make the Super Bowl a boring, defensive battle where both teams struggle to score, but nevertheless, he becomes a Super Bowl champion. DeMeco Ryans achieves something as a coach he never could as a player: Win the Big Game. Will Anderson Jr and CJ Stroud become possibly the greatest pair of first round draft picks ever picked by the same team. Nico Collins enters top-7 wide receiver conversations, and Derek Stingley Jr becomes widely understood as a top defensive player in the league.
If The Buffalo Bills Win It All
Josh Allen finally beats the playoff choker allegations and is now commonly considered a top-10 QB of all time. Yes, of all time. Sean McDermott gets off the hot seat that he’s been on forever, and the city of Buffalo improves their Super Bowl record to 1-4, sending the city into celebration. The final season in Highmark Stadium ends in absolute success, and the Bills automatically become the preseason Super Bowl favorites for next season on Kalshi. The Bills then go into the offseason with still no idea what to do with Keon Coleman and his antics, but they celebrate their much deserved and earned win all throughout the summer.
If The Los Angeles Chargers Win It All
Justin Herbert finally ends the Chargers playoff choker allegations and proves that you don’t need an offensive line to make it through the season, you need one to make it through the season unscathed. Unfortunately, Herbert’s injured hand might need surgery after potentially playing the Texans, Broncos, and maybe Seahawks defense in the playoffs. Nevertheless, the Chargers would win the Super Bowl in a season that had Chargers great Philip Rivers come out of retirement. Jim Harbaugh wins the big game in the same season his brother is fired from the Ravens, but ultimately, the Chargers earn some respect outside of the people in San Diego and the random LA lady who claims to be a fan of them.
Final Thoughts
So that ends my rant about what might occur if each team wins the Super Bowl. I’m not entirely sure why I bothered to dive into hypothetical. I mean, only one of these scenarios will happen, and there are some teams that stand almost no chance at winning. Jaguars? Come on, now. Regardless, no matter what team you are a fan of, at least we can all agree to root against the Eagles and 49ers.