Recent Survey: 83% of students have not eaten in 3 weeks – busy doing homework

Over time, Jesuit students have had incredible academic success. This success arrived when students learned to prioritize scholastic worth over literally anything else. It has taught students a fundamental principle: school is the only thing that matters; if you are successful at school, you are successful at life.

This enlightenment has enabled students to make sacrifices for the greater good of their careers and taught them to avoid wasteful activities that don’t earn a grade– like sleeping, eating, and drinking water.

One of the top students in the class, Alotta Homwerk, said while struggling to stand up, “If I don’t get a grade for it, why would I eat lunch?” 

As a bright young Jesuit student, Alotta has worked our various clever solutions to get himself to maximize productivity. For example, he uses a catheter to save himself an average of one hour and 42 minutes in the bathroom. But that’s not it; Alotta has also learned to have only one-half of his brain sleep at a time so he can be doing homework or calculating his grades at all times.

“Why would I waste my time performing a basic function of life when I could be doing math homework or writing an essay?” added Ivanto Stutylawts while adjusting his feeding tube. “My parents said I’m not even allowed to talk to them unless I have a GPA of 100, and if I get above 100, maybe they’ll finally say, ‘I love you.'”