Onsie upon a time…


I guess the first thing I should do is introduce myself.  I’m Drew, I’m a sophomore, I’m in band and robotics, and I make a killer PB and J. Alright, I’ve had enough of that.  I’m going to talk about clothes.  Specifically, a world of one cloth.


Imagine for a second a world where everyone has to wear the same article of clothing or same type of clothing etc. (I’ll be more specific soon).  Now, many of you are probably worrying right now about how that sounds a lot like communism, but that’s not the point here.  This is a world where everyone from the smallest baby to oldest man, no matter what occupation, creed, religion, social order, or class, is wearing the same type of clothing.  This could be as simple as a suit.  Imagine everyone in a suit (Suit up!).


Now although this would be awesome, imagine some of the drawbacks… what if you wanted to swim? I think that wearing a three-piece suit would be hard to pull off.  It would be especially difficult if you were trying to cross the English Channel, or separate from the swimming scenario, riding the tour de-France. It would be a difficult life, but I think in most situations that it wouldn’t be too bad.


Now imagine a world where bow ties were ubiquitous between everyone.  Now, we all know that Dr. Degen would probably be crowned king of the world in that situation, but think about it.  No. Matter. What. Bowties.  Going to the movies? Bowtie. Going to church? Bowtie. Going to the mall? Bowtie. Out at the gym? Bowtie.  The idea of an omnipresent clothing item has endless possibilities that seem to get more and more far-fetched as it goes on.  The world would be a very weird, but also very uniform place.


People would always have a connection to one another, and it would be a strange unifier of the entire human race.  Think about it: people all over the world wearing the same article of clothing that you are, regardless of the situation.  Even people you have never met before or will never meet.  Would that be a strange unifier of everyone on Earth?  Would it bring peace? Would it bring chaos? I have no idea. I’ve never worn what everyone else is wearing at the same time. Ask someone else.  Maybe there’s an alien race out somewhere in the universe that does that.  I wonder if they’re pondering a world where people don’t wear the same clothes and are thinking about how weird that would be.  Anyways, that’s beside the point.  I guess that I should probably say what I would choose to be the best type/article of clothing for everyone to wear, no matter what, and that article of clothing would be:


The onesie.


Just think for a second the endless satiations of where a onesie would be appropriate nowadays, or more often then not, inappropriate.  Now everyone will be able to feel the comfort and simplicity of a one-piece pajama suit.


The President of the United States of America wears a red, white, and blue one.  When he meets with China, his colors clash with Xi Jinping’s red polka-dotted onesie with yellow stars.  They conduct their business in their onesies and then leave, back to their jobs.  Their pilot that takes them home is wearing the uniformed onesie of an airline, and the football players on the screen display the blue and gold onesies of the Michigan Wolverines as they destroy the bland and dull yellow and white of Notre Dame.  They get home and their chef is wearing a onesie with an apron, their infant child is swaddled up in a sky blue and pink onesie.  They look at pictures of rural tribe members in Africa with their primitive onesies, whatever that would look like.  Then we look outside the life of just one person and we see the whole world with soldiers fighting wars in onesies and their commanding officers sternly shouting at them while they try to take him seriously.


Two of the most powerful business executives in the world dress up in their Armani onesie suits, made out of the finest fabric while miles away a young teenage girl tries to decide which onesie will fit her tastes for the Jesuit homecoming that is looming over her head, and outside in the city a homeless man in the street wearing an old and tattered onesie begging for money, and right next to him the onesie Gap has mannequins displaying their new slim-fit summer onesie.


I personally would not be able to take anyone seriously, but who knows, maybe in our paradigm the onesie will be a highly respected article of clothing and anything else might seem alien and barbaric. When it really comes down to it though, who wouldn’t want to wear a onesie anyways?  They’re pretty awesome the way they are now, even though there are certain occasions where they might not be socially acceptable.  I’m sure that to some extent, like I mentioned above, the onesie would be augmented where social distinctions and classes and religions and creeds would be able to make their own type of onesie.  Priests would wear their priest onesie, and Mr. Stephen Pitts S.J, a math teacher, would pull it off as usual, astronauts would have their astro-onesies (which they already kind of wear, so score for them), and Dr. Michael Degen, sophomore and junior English teacher, would still have a bowtie, even on his onesie.