“Dear Dee,
I have been accepted to five colleges. How do I now choose which one?
– Ken, Len, or Glenn, the Undecided”
Dear Ken, Len, or Glenn, the Undecided,
I decided to name you “Ken, Len, or Glenn, the Undecided” as a shout out to Jesuit Theater’s recent production of “Rumors”, and furthermore, because naming you multiple names plays on the idea of indecision. Quite clever if I do say so myself *insert stereotypical snobby, “nose-in-the-air” laugh here*. Joking aside, let’s get down to business (or what shall pass for business).
Five colleges, eh? Quite the man here folks, quite the man. You must be gleaming with splendor, my dear sir, absolutely gleaming. Was it a five for five? You battin’ 1.0, bro? (that rhymes) It may seem as if I’m being brutally sarcastic, but I assure you, my dear gleaming sir, that I’m just having some fun. *cough* at your expense *cough*. But no, not really, just normal, everyday fun. I wanted to do that on what could be my last article *tear tear sniffle sniffle*. Unfortunately for you, my sir among men, who once again I must reiterate is gleaming, you do not have much more time to make a decision. You must make a quick and efficient decision.
To do this, you must go through some elaborate steps. One, sit down. Two, close your eyes. Three, open your eyes. Now close them again. Now open them once more. Voila, you’ve blinked twice in close succession making it so that you don’t have to blink again for awhile, thus giving you more time to focus on thinking about your college decision. Another thing you could do to decide is grab four friends, and have all five of you put out either one, two, three, four, or all five fingers. Assign each of your five potential colleges a number from one to five. Once you get a situation where four out of the five people are holding out the same number of fingers, and one person is holding out a different number of fingers, the odd man out has selected your college depending on his number of fingers. Sound good? I thought so.
But, in all seriousness my gleaming friend, ahem, excuse me, my gleaming sir, the most important thing to do is relax and think hard about where you’d fit in best. Which campus pleases you the most? Outside of the classroom and off campus, which city is the one you’d enjoy living in the most? Which one enables you to continue enjoying things you’ve enjoyed at home? Which one is best for your desired major? Which one has your desired size for student body? Which one has certain miscellaneous things that you find most appealing? Which one is closer to or farther from home? (depending on whether you’d like to be close or far) In my opinion, these are the most important factors in deciding where to go to college. Take a few days to do nothing but think about it if necessary. Depending on where it is, gas up the car or book a flight to make a last minute visit if necessary. It is true that your decision is important and crucial to your life at this point, but that doesn’t necessarily make it difficult to make. Deep down, there’s one that you dwell on more, that stands out (or if it hasn’t yet, it will when you do nothing else but think) from the others. And that’s it.
This decision is a difficult one. It’s approached very differently by everyone, so it was hard to give advice for it. I hope I was able to help, Glenn. I decided to call you Glenn here as I near the end because I wanted to say this: if you want more help deciding, talk to any of the seniors, including myself, because I (and I hope “we”) are happy to help. We’re all in this together, Glenn. You have not moved to France, despite what Len says. You are not alone. We will help you. I hope you are understanding these references. If not, you were doing the wrong thing at 7 pm on April 5, 6, 11, and 12.
No matter where you go, though, my dear gleaming sir whom I’ve named Glenn, you will succeed, unless you yourself screw it up. You will do well in your classes, you just have to figure out for yourself what you have to do to do well, and you will socialize well with the native species. You will have many a ravenous adventure with your new friends. A word to the wise, though, if you throw a party, don’t put the music on too loud, because the last thing you want is for a man named Ben to come in yelling for you to turn that damn thing down. Also, if you make snacks for the party, you should make a hot snack, like bean dip or something, just try not to burn your fingers. You should also socialize at parties, not hide in the bathroom with a bottle of alcohol and come out later completely toasted (or sloshed, depending on your idiomatic choice of “under the influence”). Also, if you meet a nice girl, try to make sure you make the correct facial expressions. You don’t want her to think that your smile looks like a scowl, nor your grin like a frown, nor your frown like a yawn, nor your peeve like a sneer. And just on the off chance she has a back problem, like, I don’t know, gets back spasms, be a lamb and buy her a cushion to help her sit. Also, if she goes to group therapy, don’t blab about it to everyone. However, if she rubs crystals to calm herself down, you should just dump her.
Ok, I’m done. Good luck on your quest to making a decision. And I wish you best in college!
Sincerely,
Dee
