To say band is “just kids playing instruments” is to say that football is merely a pastime involving leather balls, or that hockey is simply glorified figure skating with sticks.
Jesuit Administration’s Confession
First and foremost, Jesuit classifies band, alongside football and hockey, as an athletics credit. According to the Jesuit website, the band receives not only Fine Arts credit but also [physical education (P.E.)] credit. On the basis of Jesuit’s own definition, Jesuit students cannot refute that band is a sport.
Many students were spellbound by this realization, immediately receiving a catharsis.
Jack DeGroote ’22, a member of Jesuit’s crew team, at first argued that “band is not a sport.” Yet he immediately questioned his unwise words: “Does [band] have an athletic credit at Jesuit?” After receiving valuable information, DeGroote was clearly in awe, and he admitted to his initial errors: “Well, maybe it is a sport because it has an athletics credit…”
Even further, since students within the band receive 2 distinct departmental credits within 1 period, it’s not only a sport. It’s the best sport that Jesuit has to offer.
Others compared band to debate, which also provides an athletic credit. Bowler Victor Martinez ‘22 argued that “if they count debate as a sport, band must also be a sport.” Maybe debate is the second-best sport, but band clearly reigns higher.
Band’s Inherent Sportiness
Even outside of Jesuit, it is clear that band is a sport. The Oxford Dictionary defines a sport as “An activity involving physical exertion and skill, esp. (particularly in modern use) one regulated by set rules or customs in which an individual or team competes against another or others.”
Band matches this definition exactly. It is an activity. It involves physical exertion (instrument playing requires extensive finger and diaphragm movements) and skill (dynamics, sound quality, style, tone).
Band is also regulated by set rules and customs. On a micro level, players are expected to follow the directions of the drum major during marching season, and the conductor during concert season. On a macro level, marching bands compete against each other, such as in the TPSMEA Marching Band Contest. Such competitions require bands to follow strict rules (time limitations, penalties, etc.) that are synonymous with other sports such as football and hockey.
While many believe that bands do not compete, they in fact do. Through such aforementioned marching contests, band performances can be scored against each other. This makes band a performative sport.
Even in the concert season, band, from a function of individual instrumental skill, can be seen as a sport. For the All-State band, band members record pieces to be compared against band members from other schools.
The Athletic Experience
Only those who experienced it firsthand can account for band’s athleticism. A freshman trumpet player, who wished to remain anonymous, stated, “I lost many calories in band; it’s an achievement.” And it’s true—band can burn up to 252 calories per hour.
Drum Major Sam Parker ’22 relayed a parallel point: “Drum Majoring is Jesuit’s premier deluxe cardio/aerobic happy meal combo. It forces extreme repetitive motion of the arms and you get an A in fine arts. What-a-deal™ [sic]. We also compete at a State Competition, competing for drum major points and a trophy. That’s a sport, right?”
However, other band members such as Trombone Lt. Adam Tullis ’22 pointed out the futility of this argument, stating, “Honestly, I think it’s a pointless debate.” Despite his doubts, the truth remains clear.
For those seeking strength, fitness, and agility, band is the perfect route. Please talk to any band member for more information.
Golf is Just Glorified Trickshotting
Band is often compared to golf, but golf is clearly a lesser sport. Jesuit student Grant Richey ’22 asserted that “band is more of a sport than golf is… marching at a fast pace while using your fine motor skills to play an instrument in unison with other people is a lot more physically demanding and impressive than golf.”
Richey further elaborated, “golf is just an excuse for suburban dads to drive golf carts with the boys [sic] and day-drink.”
Whereas band is a physical sport, golf requires minuscule physical movement (perhaps a periodic swing of the wrist), which classifies it as a low-intensity activity.
Ice Hockey is Fake Canadian Propaganda
Nate Carley ’22 argued that “ice hockey is just field hockey on ice.” Clearly, such a bizarre adaptation of field hockey is merely a ploy utilized by the Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS) to influence the minds of everyday Americans, influence the mind of patriots.
Canada utilizes ice hockey as an avenue of cultural influence on its southern neighbor. Otherwise, the United States may someday realize the sheer uselessness of Canada as a strategically within NATO. Sorry Canada, but you’re too nice to bomb Yugoslavia… or are you?
Jesuit goalie Arthur Trapp ’22 drew further comparisons, specifically that the “NHL is just the NFL on ice.” Like Trapp, many other Americans have come to realize the true extent of Canadian influence.
Towards the future, the FBI, Jesuit, and CIA must take direct action to combat the influences of the CSIS through the made-up sport of ice hockey. We cannot continue to exist in a world where people play a fake version of field hockey.
“Foot”ball
Most critically, football does not require the use of feet, except in limited situations. This incorrect naming automatically disqualifies football from being a sport. That’s like calling water from Flint, MI, ‘lead.’ And would you purchase a sandwich labeled as “Cesium-130 nuclear waste”?
By pitting innocent high schoolers to throw themselves at each other, football is in clear violation of the Geneva Conventions under Article 8(2)(b)(xxvi) and (e)(vii) of the 1998 ICC Statute. It’s not entertaining to watch children be subjected to be such war crimes. Jesuit must stop violating international treaties and profiting off of these violations (through ticket sales, food & beverages, etc.). Instead, Jesuit must immediately redirect football funding and resources towards the band, a non-violent, non-criminal sport.
Football affects the social culture of Jesuit negatively too. Saad Zulqarnain ’22 states that he “hates[] how in football all the players abuse their wives.” It is clear that Jesuit football players must stop abusing their wives.
With football being a popular sport at Jesuit, it has a substantial effect on the development of students. Jesuit must shield students from war crimes and rethink its football program.
Soccer is a Pretend Sport
As seen in every soccer game that has ever been played, players obviously fake injuries in order to receive beneficial treatment. An anonymous source paralleled soccer to the performative arts, stating that “soccer is just theater on the field” and is merely “watered-down acting.”
Since soccer is a sport lesser to theater, I recommend that the Jesuit administration reroute soccer resources to soccer’s purer form, theater. Maybe the soccer players can even find a career in acting.
Track and Field: The Imposter Twins
There are no real sports named after the location on which players perform. Ice hockey is not called ‘Frozen Water’, and swimming is not called ‘Chlorine-H20 solution.’ Therefore, ‘Track and Field’ is an outlier, perhaps an imposter among the world of sports.
Moreover, many argue that there is no entertainment value in this sluggish sport; it’s simply too slow. Blake Hunter ’22 asserted that “track is just slower NASCAR.” Runners don’t even have the shiny and sleek advertisements on NASCAR cars, or make the vroooommmm noises of an accelerating V8.
And what even happens on the ‘field’? The sports on the ‘field’ seem unrelated: shotput, high jump, discus. There’s only one thing linking them together—there’re just other sports disguised as part of ‘Track and Field’ to make the ‘Track’ part seem cooler.
Cross Country: The Abandoned Third
Cross country is by the far the strangest activity. Those who allegedly run “cross country” do not, in fact, run across the country—that is, the United States. Similar to Track and Field (as well as football), such a naming convention confuses all who run in it. Perhaps Forrest Gump was simply seeking to race cross country?
What bothers the Jesuit student body is why ‘Track and Field’ has rejected its brother, cross country, and not become ‘Track, Field, and Cross Country.’ “Perhaps track and field have had a family fallout with cross country,” proposed Imjai Utailawon ’22.
If this is the case, Jesuit must seek immediate action to reduce the factionalism caused by such a divide.
And instead of ‘Track and Field,’ we have an obligation to make it inclusive to all sports: ‘Track, Field, Baseball, Basketball, Cheerleading, Crew, Competitive Shooting, Cross Country, Cycling, (Foot)ball, Golf, Hockey, Lacrosse, Powerlifting, Rugby, Soccer, Swimming, Diving, Tennis, Volleyball, Water Polo, and Wrestling.’
Turkey Tennis
Tennis players are known for their fashionable style and grunting. According to RoundUp Editor-in-Chief and tennis player Blake Woodard ’22, “tennis is just European women in short skirts making turkey noises.”
However, Jesuit corrupts this ideologically-pure sport. There are no European women, no short skirts, and no turkey noises. What Jesuit tennis has pursued is merely the ball game itself. Look at Plano West, who has perfected the turkey cluck, or Strake Jesuit, whose players have the shortest skirts.
Rather, Jesuit must take steps to reform its tennis program. First, we need to build a catwalk within the Anderson lot, empowering tennis players to pursue their fashion sense with short skirts. Second, we need turkeys. A lot of turkeys.
Only then, can we return to the original state of tennis: turkey tennis.
Competitive Shooting: Child’s Play
High school students should not have access to firearms. They’re just too old.
Within our culture, only small children between 4 and 12 years should be entrusted with firearms. It’s just child’s play, promoting immatureness within students.
Competitive shooting must be banned immediately from Jesuit. Jesuit does not promote babyish activities, like a Hide-and-seek team, an E-sports team, or a Simon-Says team. Rather than shooting at targets, perhaps these callow youngsters should be shooting for higher standards.
Baseball
Unlike football or ‘Track and Field,’ baseball does have merit in its name. Yet others are still convinced that baseball is not a sport.
Lacrosse player Jay Hooker ’22 strongly asserted that “baseball is not a sport.” With such concise wording and a powerful tone, it is clear that his words reveal the doubts within the Jesuit student body.
Accordingly, Jesuit has an obligation to publish student surveys regarding the absolution of the Jesuit baseball team. If Jesuit finds baseball to not be a sport, the athletics department must immediately redirect funding to the band. Only then can we achieve democracy.
Wrestling/Cuddling
An anonymous source wrote to the Jesuit RoundUp that “Jesuit wrestling is just men hugging each other and rolling on the floor.” In fact, men sometimes just need cuddles too. Wrestling is therefore understandable; there’s no better way to fulfill an emotional void than to sanction an official sport.
However, Jesuit should not be funding covert cuddling. Instead, all the wrestlers can join band and cuddle instruments.
Rugby: Knock-off Football
While it’s true that rugby was created before football, we don’t have time for the truth. In fact, we may have already received too much brain damage from blunt force head trauma to understand the truth.
Rugby, as we all know, is the British version of football. The primary indicator is that similar to football’s confusing name (football does not require the use of feet), “rugby” is not performed on a “rug.”
The British, perhaps operating under MI6, failed spectacularly in this regard. To better conceal this artificial sport, an alternative naming scheme would have proved much more successful than “rugby,” like “Football V2” or “Football-with-increased-head-trauma.” Jesuit must come clear with its ties to MI6 and cut ties with this corrupted form of football.
Conclusion
If a certain sport was not mentioned, it has been deemed unworthy of even being considered a sport. Perhaps in the future, when Jesuit installs catwalks into the Anderson lot or renames ‘Track and Field,’ will I approach these other decrepit activities.
Until then, for your physical wellbeing, it is my sincerest wish that you join the Jesuit-Ursuline Ranger Band.
